A House of Clark Men and Me

A non-manic monday

2012-02-13T08:49:00.000-05:00

This morning the kids are playing with automoblox, which are cars they can take apart and put back together. They are having a blast. Maybe they won't notice for ten minutes that I'm immersed in this instead of chasing them.
Suddenly after not posting hardly anything in the past few months I've gotten the blog bug again.
I went out yesterday with my mother-in-law for a much needed, kid free, shopping trip. It was fun to try things on and see how some things looked bad, some things looked good. It's another outlet for me to complain about things that are making me particularly mad.
I was highly surprised. I tried on a pair of skinny jeans. The last time I tried them on I think I was still too chubby. I had a huge butt and a muffin top and everything bad you shouldn't have when trying on something labeled, "Skinny." I actually tried on some grey ones and they looked amazing. I was astounded. I think back to previous times. After I had Sam. I went to get some pants and was unpleasantly surprised that I was triple the size I was before having him. I was a size 6 before and afterward I went to try on a size 8 and 10 and was horrified that I couldn't get the pants past my knees. I knew I had put on weight but what the hell??! After progressively trying on clothes a size larger and larger, I could finally manage a zipper in a size 18. Sweet Jesus.
Fast forward to now.
I'm half heartedly doing weight watchers again. I want to lose that last 10 lbs or so but I'm not that motivated. So I was standing at Kohl's. Almost afraid to look on the mirror. And the skinny jeans won. I was even more surprised that at the checkout they rang up at $8.61! I ended up going to the other Kohl's later and getting two more pairs. I'm in skinny jean heaven!!!
I got a couple tops as well. Also got the kids some new sandal, tennis show things for spring. They will be the first addition for Easter baskets this year. I'm completely against giving the kids a crap ton of candy. I think their Easter baskets still have candy from last year out in the garage. I just never give them that much candy, except maybe on Halloween.
It's amazing to be able to look at things and try them on without someone screaming, or hiding in the dressing room, knocking a ton of clothes off the rack. The norm when the kids go with me. Usually I lose patience for chasing them and yelling at them after about 5 minutes. I hate being the lady with the unruly kids in the dressing room. I am excited to get dressed today. I feel young and stylish. Two things I haven't thought about myself since my recent journey to the wrong side of the hill.
I find myself today, feeling excited to get dressed. No longer just wanting to throw on some clothes just so I won't be naked; I want to wear my new awesome clothes because they make me happy. It also reminds me that I need to go through my clothes, get rid of the remainder of my, "Fat clothes," and straighten everything out.

I'm missing this today, the sunrise from 8NE.

Oh, happy Monday!

We thought it wouldn't happen this year!

2012-02-12T19:38:00.000-05:00

We got about an inch and a half of snow and I wanted to go sledding. I've been dying to take the kids this year because they both have boots and snow suits that fit.

Here is Cooper and Me going down the hill

Sam going down himself because he had Lightning McQueen on his coat

And snowflake cups of hot chocolate to top it off.

Also for the record, this is the first sledding venture to date where someone HAS NOT gotten mangled or otherwise damaged in a severe way. Great Success.

I don't know who had more fun, the kids or me!

Yesterdays

2012-02-08T08:53:00.000-05:00

Yesterday in the mail I got a notice from Bedford schools about registering your children for school. It hit me hard that they are going to be leaving. They are going to be in someone else's hands. I'm thinking about all of the times when I could hold them and make sure they were safe. It makes me think about the first time we went out and left the kids with someone. I was so sad. Not to mention when I went back to work after having my kids. I cried about 10 times in the supply room. People would say, "Nothing is going to happen to them, they are safe, etc." It was never that. I was never worried about their safety. I just wanted to be with them. I love to spend time with them, teaching them small things about nature, cooking or being kind. It made me sad because I was missing out on them. All of their smiles, funny things they say, things they think.

I think about my little boys getting on a bus and it kills me to watch them drive away. With someone else. We were talking about getting Sam into preschool this fall. I know we should. I don't know where the time has gone. I remember this

And this

I remember them being tiny and how much I loved them. My heart wants to explode seeing all of the old pictures and remembering those times.

I think about how much they've changed.

Sam is very open with people and friendly. He'll walk up to any kid and tell them his name and ask them if they want to play. As a baby Sam would take a toy and just swing at it until it lit up. Cooper is more shy and likes to thoroughly assess any situation before just jumping in. Cooper was very tentative. He would concentrate very hard and reach out and push a button and see what happens.

They are still like that now.

Mangoes have a strange texture.

Good day to you.

I must be what I must be and face tomorrow

2012-01-30T10:02:00.000-05:00

A typical day at work. Lost someone that made me laugh and see the funny side of things. She would come back from outpatient to see us and every time I would get a hug. Yesterday after the dust was settling, her sister in law told me I was her favorite nurse because we could always make each other laugh. She told me I had given her so much love and comfort. I was her favorite.
I was thinking about this all of the way home. I was thinking about that fire again. I see that people have this fire in them and then it goes out. Then the person is only a shell. I guess my student and my intern got a good lesson yesterday at post mortem care but also on how to be more human. More understanding. More empathetic. We ended the day with a saline flush fight and I think it was just what I needed, to laugh after an emotionally hard day.
When I got home Jim told me my sister stopped by. She said when she moves to Columbus this summer my dad is going with her. I think about it a lot. I cry in the bath tub realizing things about my life for the first time. I was never a priority to my parents. I had myself to rely on. When I had good things I would go to my little ceremonies alone, patting myself on the back. When I would have anything good happen I didn't have people to call that would congratulate me. I was thinking about how lonely of a life I had. I thought about my dad moving away. I have made such an effort, having him go to the zoo, calling him to talk, inviting him over for dinner and I guess in the end it makes no difference. He's going to move away and probably see my kids maybe once a year. It hit me harder than it probably should have with my patient dying and thinking about things, the tears flowed.
I kept thinking, I've never had anyone. I didn't have people to share in my sorrows or joys with me. I just did it all myself. I was thinking about the many times I've been told by other people's counselors that they can't believe how well I've turned out despite my rearing or lack of rearing by my parents. I think about this. I've heard it a lot growing up.
My dad called me fat, dumb, told me I was ugly and had a pug nose, whatever other thing and ignored me. I remember in first grade I colored a picture of cactuses and I wanted to tell him that I learned to spell beyond. He pushed me out of the way and told me he was watching tv. I put the picture in my sister's crib and cried quietly in my room. There were many instances where my dad would yell at me. My dad told me he would say these things to toughen me, because the world is a snide place full of cruel people. I think about these things now and the horrible words that reigned on me. It made me turn inside of myself and never want to reach out to people. I was afraid if the people that were supposed to love me could treat me this way, what would everyone else do.
I went on without people to hug me, without people telling me they loved me.
My mom. I remember one day when I was probably about 4-5 my mom didn't give me a kiss good night. I asked her to come and say good night and she told me she couldn't stand to look at me anymore that day. I laid there, counting the tiles on the ceiling. I just felt lonely. I kissed my hand and touched it to my forehead.
I think about dances at school. My mom wouldn't go with me to get a prom dress so Jim's mom went with me. She bought me a dress and I worked to pay it off. Jim's parents helped me get a car, my second car. I remember being 16 and being home myself for extended periods of time. My brother was in and out of the hospital with bowel problems and my sister was in and out drug rehab and counseling. I got myself up and went to school. I just kept doing everything. I think about in school seeing my guidance counselor and telling her some of this. Of course I didn't get much guidance. It seemed as if every time I would talk about my problems people would brush it off. Maybe I was just making too big of a deal about it. Maybe I was overreacting. There were people with bigger problems than me. I knew that.
And there is so much more. So many more things that scarred me up and never healed.
Fast forward to now.
I think about my dumb life. How horrible people were that were supposed to love me. I would have problems and go to my parents and be brushed off. My dad is leaving. It just hit me that for a family I have no one but my own little family, my husband and children. Jim told me my parents were never there and that's never going to change. I have him and the kids and Heather. I was so worried about having children, that I wouldn't know how to love them enough, be able to tell them enough times how much they mean, how smart they are, how nice they are, how happy they make me. I found that it's not hard. Each day I tell them about 50 times how much I love them and all of the reasons why. The other night, Sam told me I was his entire life, something I've told him so many times. He notices when I'm sad and hugs me. Cooper will be running around and just stop and tell me he loves me. Then he zips away. I feel like I'm doing things right with them. Children are supposed to feel loved.
Even with my mom living here, she is no more, "There," then when I was growing up.
I have never relied on anyone but myself. I don't know what it's like to have a problem and be mad and have someone to call, someone to honestly care.
I don't even really know where this is going. It's just more rambling than anything. I think I just want to get my mom out of my house and get on with my life like I always have. I don't think her problems are my problems and I don't want to take control of her life and give her an allowance each month. I just want to try to make things better for myself.

This picture has nothing to do with anything. When I got my first nice camera, this was a picture I took when I was slicing carrots. Nice.

Right now the kids have capes on the dogs and playing some superhero game. I think I'll play with them.

A Late Start

2012-01-25T14:24:00.000-05:00

I always think I should be writing more. I never really get any time alone with my thoughts like I used to.
I remember when I started this it was an outlet when I was stuck inside with Sam. It was a place to write about how i felt and share things I thought were important.
Then I got away from that when my thoughts would make Jim mad. So then it turned into someplace to put pictures to remember things I've done with the kids. Somehow I've been thinking about it.
Funny how things change. I've just turned 30 semi recently. I feel so old all of the sudden. I think about all of the things I've done and seen that most other people have never done. I also think about things I would love to do. I would love to take a class, an art class and get back into doing something like that. I would love to have a small room to keep all of my arts and crafts things safe from prying, little hands and dumb, bitey dogs. I would love to move somewhere where we could spread out a little bit. I would love to have someplace for me, where I could paint if I wanted to. Where I would be able to have all of these arts and crafts things just where I knew they were, where I wouldn't have to pack them up and dig them all out every time I wanted to use them. I think about how much I've given other people.
It's amazing to know how much you've kept giving and giving. My mind is so much more clear than it was a couple months ago. I was living under a veil of depression, wrapped in anxiety and anger. There are medications that can help with that. I'm seeing my life like I should. I was thinking that I was inherently, "Messed up," where actually I couldn't be happy. Like it wasn't me that was messed up it was everything else. I've slowly began to realize that my unhappiness isn't with me, it's with a situation that I'm forced to be in. I'm pretty trapped, surrounded by a situation that I can't change and I'm not comfortable in. It would be like someone asking you to live with your own personal Hitler and asking you to be fine with it. This is melodramatic and facetious but that's the point. My situation right now feels like that to me. I am living 10 feet away from my unhappiness. I'm cleaning up messes like I've always done. Like one day I kind of tore off a cloak of sadness and was like, "What the hell are you doing? I AM AWESOME!"
I'm starting to want things for myself lately. I haven't wanted anything for myself for so long. I want to lose this last 10-15 pounds. I want to get back to doing something with art. I want to learn to wear makeup so I don't feel like a clown.
I guess this is like a New Year's resolution. I want to do some of these simple things to be happier. I want that for myself for 2012. I got a new camera and I'm taking more pictures. I'm just getting back to me. We have a meeting tonight that will hopefully change some things. Maybe make some things better. I'm ready to dump this emotional and spatial baggage and get on with things.

Recapping 2011: July-December

2012-01-05T10:43:00.001-05:00

Summer Fun, July. Here was a trip to the lake. We went many more times this year than last year. It was nice to get away.

Daddy driving our, "Fast boat." Yeah

Daisy, Sam's little guinea pig!

Both pugs alive and well but old.

Another boat ride from the lake.

This was a pit stop on the way home in Morenci, the halfway point

August: The main attraction was the swingset

We played outside, alot

The beauty of dirt!

September: We played and played.

We went on some trips like to Ann Arbor.

We found our new best friend, Buddy.

I went to see my buddies in GR.

October: More things for the kids to do. This year was the wettest year in history, since the early 1800's. We have found lots of things to do to not be cooped up in the house!

We went to Kalahari for a birthday

Pumpkin farm!

All of us together

The most fun Halloween yet!

November: Faith reading Cooper a story

Lots on lounging around. Last year's Christmas hit: The Mickey chair.

Cooper looking very lazy. Also Thanksgiving was not at our house! Thank God! It was nice to not have to kill myself with that nonsense this year!

December: Here's the cookie baking fun from Christmas. This was the last day my little camera worked. I dropped it and broke something vital.

The pictures were getting more and more blurry.

At least we got a few of when we were making cookies.

Feeding Daddy after all the hard work

And with this nibble of frosting, the camera died. I have to start using my huge Nikon again. I miss having a much more portable camera at my disposal.

The year finished off with a pierogi making blitz and one last day of work. All over, it was a pretty good year. I keep looking back and knowing how thankful I am for all of the good things. There are people I miss and places I want to go. I look at these boys and it kills me how big they are. We are talking about school for Sam in the fall and there's always that talk of another baby. The couch bums are still here and it looks like there's no sign of them leaving in the near future. I think 2012 is going to be a time for fun and a time to smile again. I think it's going to be a great year. We've all gotten the horrid illness out of our system the first week of 2012 so yeah! We should be covered for the entire year!

Also for shits and grins I weighed myself today, 144.2. Isn't it the perfect time to weigh yourself after you've been death sick and puking for 3 days? By this weight I have only 10 pounds to lose and I'll be where I wanted to be! Let's go 2012!!

What a blur

2012-01-04T08:51:00.000-05:00

Funny things, the end of things. The end of 2011 and the start of 2012 has been no exception.
From after Christmas until now things have been such a blur that I didn't know if I was coming or going,
Dec 26, had to work. Busy but not too bad.
Dec 27, Worst birthday of my life. Fearing for divorce over complaining about it, I will leave it at that. Also to make it extra weird, my dad called to sing me happy birthday and then the weirdest thing of all, he had to tell me he loved me. What the hell? I can count the times on one hand that my dad has hugged me or said he's loved me. Its a very short list. Why now? I was shuddering inside for days. Jim insists that this parental show of affection is normal. I'm not so sure. I guess I'm just not used to it.
Dec 28, day off. Uneventful
Dec 29, had to work again. Patient to unit at shift change. Worked late to do her chemo in the unit.
Dec 30, Day off. Made Pierogi's. Fun day
New Years Eve. Had to work. No sweat.
New years day, Dinner at the In-Laws.
Jan 2, had to work. Crazy day.
Jan 3-4, hit by the full out puking plague. I was sick, both kids were sick. Not in the mood for this right now. At least I didn't have to call in. Looks like I'll be back to normal for Thursday, my next day back. I'm sure I'll catch up on my end of the year blogs later. So tired. I just chugged two things of gatorade and I'm feeling, "More normal."

Recapping 2011: January-June

2011-12-20T10:41:00.000-05:00

January

The boys getting cleaned

Sam's first turd on the potty!

February: Snow!

Finding ways to stay busy inside

March: My own little Village Person

Abby came for a visit

Daddy, Sam and Abby

April: My April Fool!

The horrible cake that Busia brought

Frosting massacre!

Easter 2011. Look closely. You can see the penis egg that daddy decorated that will go down in infamy!

May: Sam and Cooper's party

A nice vacation for Mommy and Daddy at Niagara Falls

June: Go Carts

Lucas is born!

Adventures in the woodpile

2011-12-08T14:08:00.000-05:00

One afternoon the boys and I were looking at small things. These are just a few of the mushrooms we found in the woodpile. I have no idea what any of them are but they were pretty to look at!

Sam and Santa, Toledo Zoo Lights 2011

2011-11-28T09:17:00.001-05:00

We sat at home on Black Friday. We didn't brave the crowds to go shopping. All morning it was unseasonably nice so we played in the yard while Daddy was at work. I had fun with the kids, we blew bubbles for our big, dumb dog and just enjoyed being home. I had a wonderous plan of going to the lights at the zoo. It has become a yearly tradition. I recruited my brother in law and his wife to go. We loved all of the lights. We went to see Santa. Sam has been excited for months.

We'll forget last years debacle when we waited in line for an hour. Neither boy would see Santa and as I'm trying to coax Cooper to see Santa, Sam took the liberty of knocking down, "All of his toys." As I'm embarrassed beyond belief, picking Santa's knocked over wonderland with a very disgruntled elf and no picture to show for it, I was thinking, "We're never doing this again."

Against my better judgement we went back this year.

Again we waited an hour but instead of running from Santa, Sam couldn't wait for the children ahead of us to get off of his lap. As the other kids are saying good bye to Santa, Sam ran over and repeatedly said, "I want a shark toy for Christmas, I want a shark toy for Christmas, I want a shark toy for Chistmas." We got our nice picture with Santa.

Cooper is not pictured.

He was all about Santa until he was about a foot from him. Then there was no way he was going to sit on that guy's lap. No way. So we got a nice picture of Sam. Just Sam. I told Santa I wasn't going to get Cooper screaming just for a picture, he was quite thankful for that.

Like all great things that you plan, you forget something. I forgot my camera so I have to rely on the pictures from my camera.

Getting Pumpkins

2011-11-22T09:36:00.000-05:00

Piglets

The boys in the wheel barrow

Riding with the pumpkins

With Grandma, checking out the corn

Inside the pumpkin train

Looking for Daddy as we go by

The Clark Family

All of us together

With Grandma and Grandpa

Getting ready to go.

I love these times with my kids. We never did things like this when we were growing up and I think it's important to make sure my kids get to know what fun things people do for each holiday. I guess I'm still slowly catching up, filling in the blanks from the past months. There have been changes in me over the past few weeks as well. I feel less angry and less anxiety-attacky. After a trip to my Dr I'm feeling better. Make your own assumptions about that. It was something I needed to do for a very long time and I think I'm finally doing better. I realized I wasn't calling people and making an effort to go out and do things. Somehow in everything my kids were my light. Days like this were what kept me going. This time of year is always hard for me. My grandma died 5 years ago in October. It hit me harder this year then it does some years. Nov 20. Another bad day. In June I would have had a daughter that would be 5. Amazing. It just makes me hold my boys a little tighter. All I can say is that I'm feeling better and I'm genuinely feeling happy. We finished our Christmas shopping for the kids so there won't be all kinds of last minute shopping in the holiday frantic times. This is going to be a relaxed holiday season for sure.

Complete Happiness

2011-11-17T10:34:00.000-05:00

The other day was like many days. I was working and running around. Marcia called. God. She talks on the phone forever. I saw the number and I didn't want to pick it up.
Someone else got it and then said she wanted to talk to me.
"I already know what you're going to say," was the first thing I heard. Really? So she starts talking about Christmas and how we just had someone move to days. Ok. Yes I know this. So there's going to be too many on for Christmas. And it hits me! I'm going to get Christmas off!!!
I can't tell you how excited I am. We were just going to do Christmas on Christmas Eve. I was going to forget that I was working on Christmas day, it would be like any other day only I would be missing my family that much more.
BUT NOT THIS YEAR!

Merry Christmas to me!!

All of the sudden everything melted away. All of my anger with my family. All of my annoyance with all of these people here. All of my aches and pains. My heart suddenly felt so happy all of the sudden. I realize that I haven't felt this way in a long, long time. It reminds me of the picture of Sam in the big stocking. I was pregnant with Cooper and everything seemed so happy then. I felt like my old self, whatever that means.
I ran down the halls, telling everyone that would listen! I have Christmas off!! I can't even type how happy I am suddenly!

Some random shots, finishing up the summer

2011-11-14T08:43:00.000-05:00

Cooper sleeping

Daddy and Cooper

Sam on the floor

Daddy and Cooper smiling

More Daddy and Cooper. These were the last pictures from the lake.

The turtle. When we came home we got buddy a Halloween costume. We didn't end up taking him because we thought he would be too crazy with all of the kids out and everything. Also he hates the costume and wouldn't keep it on.

Williams County Fair, 2011

2011-11-09T08:30:00.000-05:00

Riding on some school bus ride, Sam was afraid

Inside the spinning strawberries

Conductor Sam

Look at him opperating that train like a pro!

The two small figues on the bench are Cooper and Daddy. Cooper was too little to ride so it was just me and Sam

Sam on top of the ferris wheel

The boys riding a clown ride. Somehow they got the one without a face. They had fun though.

We ate ribbon fries and got to ride a tractor, we saw lots of animals. Sam's favorite were the rabbits and Cooper's favorite were the sheep. We had a great time!

Some more smiles from the lake

2011-11-08T08:30:00.000-05:00

The first time the kids watched, "Ghostbusters."

Playing on a seesaw at a park near the lake

Love that face!

Cooper on the seesaw

Both boys smiling and riding an airplane

Daddy on the balance beam

Sam looking mad about something

Cooper with his secret talent of finding small things. I think this was an acorn.

These are more pictures from our last trip to the lake. These weren't really fun things we did, just normal old things. Things that I think are worth remembering.

SPANGLER!

2011-11-06T10:40:00.000-05:00

Peeking out from the Dum Dum drum

Both boys enjoying all the free suckers they could eat

Everyone in the drum

Funny Sam

Getting ready to go on the tour

Daddy had to wear a beard cover

All of us on the candy trolley that took us around the plant.

The boys had a fun time! We saw conveyor belts that transport the suckers all over the plant. This plant is the only place that all of the suckers in North America are made. They make lots of different labels but when you read the fine print, they are made locally in Bryan, Ohio!

At the end, they asked if there were any questions. Sam of course who loves Willy Wonka; asked, "Where is the incinerator?" He wouldn't rest until the guy drove and showed him where it was. He was content to know it was behind a door that was too dangerous to open. This is one of my fondest memories of the going to lake and spending some time with the kids!

Still catching up from the lake

2011-11-05T13:06:00.000-04:00

On the fence. Buddy is saying, "Please let me go on the boat with you gyus!"

Buddy has an ability to jump about 6 feet straight in the air

The lake at twilight

The sun sets on another day of our vacation

Candy necklaces

Buddy just looking all cute.

This trip was a good sign that buddy is going to work out. He's going to be an excellent dog. There was an instance where Cooper fed him a couple chocolate chip cookies and then proceeded to be incontinent of stool on the carpet. I think that was the only really bad thing that has happened. Buddy has just gotten through his week of wearing his cone thingy from his surgery. He is plum free and I think he's happy. I don't think he notices much anymore. So here's to Buddy, may he hump less and be more calm because of his lack of man tackle.

Trick or Treat

2011-11-01T08:46:00.000-04:00

Cooper as the Marshmallow Man

My little marshmallow man!

Faith and Izzy are Asian princesses

Sam with Daddy

all the kids in a row going trick or treating

My boys with Busia.

Cooper killed me. There were so many times I looked at him and tears welled up in my eyes. Sam was right there with the girls, running to each house and playing the cute little boys everyone loved! And of course, everyone loved Cooper's costume. How many other marshmallow men do you see on halloween?

Pumpkins!

2011-10-29T14:11:00.000-04:00

Poor buddy, minus his man tackle

The pumpkin carving shop

Sam wanted a happy pumpkin with a huge smile

Me carving a bear

Justin making Cooper's pumpkin look mean

Scooping out the shit

All the pumpkins in a row

Oooohhh, spookiy!

On a note unrelated to Halloween and pumpkins, I keep thinking about the holidays. As a child we never had the most fun at the holidays. We never had a lot of money. My mom I think, assumed we didn't believe in Santa at a young age. So she never made it a point to hide what she was buying. Some years things weren't wrapped and we would get a big bag from K-Mart of things that were bought the last minute on sale. I never got the "cool toys," or even the things I really wanted. I helped her wrap things a bunch of times. If you've ever seen the movie the Polar Express this will make sense. Christmas, even though I knew my mom bought the presents and Santa couldn't come down the chimney because we had a space heater, I really believed. I would joke with people about believing in Santa but even now there is a part of me that truly believes. Just like I always believed in happiness. That there was happiness out there for me, I believed that there was someone that knew about my struggles and gave me Christmas to remember that things would be better. All of the magic that is the Polar Express was what I felt in my heart even when in reality it was nothing like that. The kids have been watching the Polar Express and I want to cry each time I see it. I see it in my children. I see how happy they are and the dreams they have. Maybe that's what I believed in all of those years. Maybe I was waiting for them to have my best Christmases. Maybe that's where I always knew Santa lived: in the dreams I couldn't live but I could give Sam and Cooper.

This is oddly emotional and I always kind of think of Halloween as the official start of the holidays.

As we carved the pumpkins I felt all of the sadness from my childhood. We didn't really carve pumpkins and my father would never let us decorate the house for the holidays. I just think it's important to let my kids see the magic of childhood and do all of the things that you remember your whole life.

Some more pictures from the lake

2011-10-27T12:48:00.000-04:00

Lily pads

Sam on the dock

Both boys

If you look in the water you can see a random orange

Little footprints on the dock

Sam running

The launch of a rock

The boys were screaming, "What is it? What is it?"

Upon closer inspection, it is the biggest misquito I've ever seen!

Picture of buddy for good measure

Back to the lake

2011-10-20T14:29:00.000-04:00

This was when we got to the lake a while back. I have a lot of pictures I've been slowly posting. This was a quiet moment with the boys when we were waiting to go somewhere. This was when we went to the lake for a week. It was a miraculous week full of fun.

Sam watching something very riveting. Probably Willie Wonka

Cooper sitting there

I can watch TV anywhere!

Buddy wanted to come in

This was the first weekend that it turned from summer into a cold, wet, rainy, fall. We haven't had a fall like this for a while. Some days were nice where the kids didn't need jackets and other times we were practically wearing winter coats. It's amazing that the weather changed that quickly. It went from shorts to winter coats. The kids are hating the cold weather. It is a sign that this is the start of that long few months in the house without anything to do. It makes me aware of time slipping away. I think of the kids when I was home after having them. I would spend all day holding them and being happy. Now they are off and I'm lucky to get a hug if I can catch them. I think of all of the little things that I can remember from when they were babies and I sadly loose grasp of all of those little things that slip away each day. Those little smiles and funny phrases and spilled messes. Missing shoes and fish caught. Sam-isms. Like when Christmas was Mismis. That's why I think about this time of year like most people think of New Years. I think about things that have been forgotten. I think about people that are gone. People that died. People that have just slipped out of our lives. That type of thing. Another summer full of smiles and great memories gone. Another season gone, like sand spilling through my fingers. No matter how much you try to hold onto it, you only get a few grains that are left while the rest of it is tossed to the wind.

You have that feeling that you were just holding onto so much more and suddenly it's just gone.

My Grand Rapids Trip

2011-10-18T09:18:00.000-04:00

After working the bakesale at work I headed off to Grand Rapids for a few days. This first picture there was some fight over the camera and somehow this is what came out.

The fight continues with Heather ducking out of the way.

Mr frying up some bacon for a soup garnish

After drinking some wine, we went out drinking. This is Heather and Mike, that came over when he heard we were making soup. There were so many funny things that night. Heather and I were both drunk and laughing like asses at our own jokes. Mike kept saying, "Dial it back to sober, please." I guess there is no sober with us. What no one else gets is that the things we say and laugh about when we're drunk, are the same things we laugh about sober. We are crazy when we're together. We can say anything and our jokes and stories are always funny, even if it's only to us.

The best cure for a handover? Real Food Cafe and then the fishladder, my favorite of GR places

A view down the Grand River

This picture makes me sad. There was a grand father and his grand son feeding the ducks. It made me sad because the little boys is the same size as Sam. I started to miss my family so much. All that is separating us is a 3 hour drive. This trip to the fishladder was my last stop in GR. Shortly afterward we would head back to Heather's place and then I would go back, slightly worse for the wear and full of GR. I always can't wait to go back. I was telling Heather, it's the place as much as the people that keep me coming back.

Papa's Party

2011-10-14T10:41:00.000-04:00

Cooper and Faith

Sam swinging

Mr. Jones

Sam playing

My nice little buddy

Fall is here

2011-10-13T13:13:00.000-04:00

This is the view from my front door. I took the kids to Target this morning. Sam got some more underwear and I got two new pairs of shoes. My old shoes were falling apart. We kind of drove aimlessly for a while. We went to Luna Pier and found more beach glass than we've ever found. I had Cooper with me that sees every little small thing that most people would pass by. Walking down the beach relaxed me and made me forget all of my worries for right now. Then we drove home down some dirt roads. They were surprisingly dry after all of the rain but the kids had fun. We got to see so many of the trees changing.
I think most people think about the first of the year as a time of new beginnings and rebirth. That's how I always see the fall. This is the time that I see the world erupting in beauty around me. The kids were having so much fun finding their, "Favorite trees," along the drive home. It's like my soul can slow down for a minute and take a huge, deep breath. That's how fall feels to me.

A time at the lake

2011-10-12T08:44:00.000-04:00

Cooper playing

Swinging

Sam deciding where he should climb

Monkey bars

Hands on Museum: Part 2

2011-10-06T09:22:00.000-04:00

Cooper inside the huge bubble

Sam inside the huge bublle

A magnet thing

The boys by the little fire truck

Kinetic Cooper

Cooper in deep concentration

My poo

Hands on Museum: Part 1

2011-10-02T21:38:00.000-04:00

So much of the summer has gone by without me posting very much. I remember going to the Ann Arbor Hands On Museum when I was a kid. I loved it and hoped the kids would love it too.

Sam designing a pattern

Cooper completing a circuit

Talking through the speaking discs

A tornado machine

In the back of an ambulance, every little boy's dream

Sam on the gurney

Driving to an emergency

Both boys in am ambulance

Sam in the ambulance

Cooper and the giant zipper.

One thing that has bothered me most of the summer was when I went with my mom to her marriage counselor for the first time and she said that in some way you are always jealous of your children. This happens because you compensate for whatever crap you've gone through in your childhood and try to make your kids lives better, all the while being secretly jealous that you never got to do so many things. I have disagreed with it when she said it and I still do. Even though I didn't have the best childhood, I look at all of the things I get to do with my kids and it makes my heart want to explode. Nothing makes me happier than being with them and seeing them happy. I think about things I wanted as a kid and it doesn't really matter anymore. Who cares if when I was about 10 I wanted a Nickelodeon light screen and never got one? Am I disgruntled because I never had the best bike or name brand Barbies or a cabbage patch doll? No. I am glad I get so much time with my kids and I can let them know I love them so much. Nothing makes me happier than seeing what they love.

When we were in Ann Arbor this time and Sam got to drive the ambulance he was in heaven. I love to hear their dreams and what they want to be.

Just like going to Grand Rapids. It makes me sad to think of that person I was when I went away to school and was an art major. My dreams were so different than they are now. Not anything bad, just different. I was so full of these wild ideas and crazy thoughts. I didn't really have any goals. It was great. Sometimes I miss that person that was dreaming by the fishladder of all the crazy places my life would take me. Now my happiness is in my own backyard, literally. These two boys are everything to me. Take that, Martha! Your weird theories may hold water for some but I don't think it applies to me. No in this case anyway.

The mystique of the curtains

2011-09-28T08:47:00.000-04:00

Cooper peeking out

I don't know why the curtains provide so many hours of entertainment for the boys. When I made them, I never thought they would be such a source of wonder and imagination. The kids wrap themselves up and tell me they're going to outer space. They tell me all kinds of things. It reminds me of being a kid and playing with the cushions on my grandma's couch. We built all kinds of things and then we would swiftly destroy them all with flying leaps.

Storybook Gardens: Canada Part 2

2011-09-26T09:40:00.000-04:00

The kids waiting for the gates to open

Looking into a little moat around the castle

Inside the great, white whale

These were huge rabbits that the kids were strangely afraid of

Across the bridge

This was a complete surprise! An otter!! Who knew we would see Sam's favorite animal here?

A windmill

The shoe house

I kissed the frog prince and he stayed a frog

Climbing

Crashing a picnic

Silly boys

Sam riding Dumbo

Sam on the train.

Cooper on the train

The boys and daddy

We heard about this place from some of Jim's relatives. We were actually there killing time before we were to go to a brunch. We got a call that the brunch was packed and no one could get in because there was like an hour wait, so we left. This was the end of our Canada trip. The kids tolerated everything much better than I thought they would. There were fewer fights and fewer tantrums than I had prepared myself for. All in all, it was a good trip. We all had fun and we found out how well we work as a team, as a family to take on something like this.

Trip to Canada. Part 1

2011-09-23T21:24:00.000-04:00

We've been gone for a while on vacations and I've been doing a lot at work and it's been about a month since I've posted anything. So I'm going to start playing catch up.

Cooper waiting in the car while daddy pumps the gas.

Otters: Check. Car loaded: Check. Gas tank: Filling. On our way!

While staying at Dave and Karin's house we went to a local park.

The American bug collector at the park

Sam, Cooper and Rachel going down the slides

Sam and Cooper spinning a kid they met at the playground on some spinning thing

Swans!

The boys at the hotel, looking at the construction below

Rachel and Cooper at the wedding

Uncle Dan and Abby at the wedding

A little boy once told me

2011-08-28T13:32:00.000-04:00

The other night when I was cuddling Sam before bed he was telling me about how he fixed my heart. He said he knew my heart was broken and he fixed it. It went something like this:
Sam: "I love you and I fixed your broken heart."
Me: "Oh, did you?"
Sam: "Yeah. I turned into a little man and went inside your tummy and climbed into your heart."
Me: "How did you do that? Become little?"
Sam: "It was magic, Mommy!"
Me: "Ok. Then what?"
Sam: "I had a tiny screwdriver and a little, little hammer. I tapped everything around and put those little screws in. All of the parts turned into metal, like the Tin Man's heart and looked like a rainbow."
Me: "Sounds like you really fixed it."
Sam: "I did because I love you. Always. Always. Always."

I've told Sam before that I was so sad before I had him. That we prayed and hoped for a baby. I told him I was sad because there are two babies in heaven that were too precious for me to love here on earth. He likes to remind me that he was the reason I was happy. It made me smile so much to hear the things he can imagine now.

A New Friend

2011-08-22T17:08:00.000-04:00

Here is the dog named Rupert by the Williams County Humane Society. We've already paid the adoption fee but he has some poo infection so he has to stay there another week. We'll get him on Saturday. All we need now is a name....

A warm home....shhhhhh....

2011-08-17T14:57:00.000-04:00

I was thinking about things to get my best friend as a house warming gift and found this neat tea pot. You make your tea and then place it over the mug and the tea fills the mug. Hope she likes it. Also found some mug cozies in fall types of colors. I'm excited to see her!

The Edge of the World

2011-08-15T14:54:00.000-04:00

This is a post about nothing. We went to Maumee Bay today and fed the sea gulls. I always loved going to Maumee Bay. It may be one of my favorite places on the planet. When I am there, even though I can see the other side of lake Erie, i feels like I'm standing on the edge of the world. When I was not in my right mind after the miscarriages, we would go to Maumee Bay and for some reason being close the water would just calm me. I could sit there all day with the wind in my hair and all of the sounds of the water wrapping me like a blanket of comfort. Somehow the water can rip away all of the anger and stress in me and leave me with a smile. We went to Maumee Bay today and fed the sea gulls. It was amazing to be there by the water. I love that the kids love seeing the water too.

Everything's Coming Up Milhouse!

2011-08-11T14:49:00.000-04:00

I have some things to be happy for.
1. I signed back up for weight watchers. I've put on about 8 pounds since my mom has moved in and I'm not happy about it. So here go the counts again. Today I was 148.8 with a goal of 135. Bad me. We went to Bob Evans and I blew all of my points on lunch. :( I am determined to get down to my goal.

2. I got my new shoes in the mail. They fit great! I am excited to wear them to work! I was tired of buying cheap shoes that last for a few months and then fall apart.

3. The kids woke up in a great mood and have been pretty good all day. Sam ate 3 cinnamon rolls for breakfast.

4. In less than a month, about 25 days to be exact, I'm going to get to see Heather, my partener in crime, the Dorothy to my Rose, my sweet rice-hating, best buddy! I can't tell you how excited I am. Heather said I should come up there and make a relaxing little trip of it. I got some interesting shots at the border on the way back from Canada and I'm ready for my Heathery fun!
5. The weather is much cooler. Thank God!
I just feel happy today. That's all I can say!

Roll in the Dirt

2011-08-11T09:23:00.000-04:00

Here are the kids getting into the dirt. I came home and found them the dirtiest they've ever been. It looked like a black river when I washed their hair.

Swing life away

2011-08-09T16:08:00.000-04:00

We live on front porches and swing life away,

We get by just fine here on minimum wage

If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,

I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

When the kids are outside swinging, they are liable to be out there all day

I would have loved a swingset like this when I was a kid

It makes me feel young again to see them having such a good time

This picture of Sam peeking, reminds me of my house I should have had. Whenever my life was hard I thought about a promise my grandpa made me. He told me he was going to build me a little house with working lights and running water. I used to have nightmares and I would wake up and to go back to sleep I would dream of this house. It had flower boxes at the windows and a teal roof and pink shutters. It had real curtains with flowers on them and a table and a little bed. This was my happy place in my mind where I was safe and could rest peacefully. Much like my many references to, "Over the Rainbow," this place was a wonderful place to me. It was a safe and wonderful place. My place.

I think of the stupid counselor my mom sees. When I went she said something that we always are jealous of our children in a way because they always have something better than you have. I don't think this is true. I see the kids playing and swinging and my heart wants to explode with love. I love seeing them happy.

I don't care about the things I didn't have. I'm glad that they get to be happy.

The Itch

2011-08-02T15:29:00.000-04:00

Now that I'm in my post-art-major days, I haven't drawn anything, I mean really drawn anything in years.
For some reason I got that urge today to draw something, anything. I think I may have to get a new sketchbook. I'll so tired of looking for my old ones filled with pictures to be graded. I remember those times vaguely. I remember all of the assignments and all of the other sketches I've done for whatever reason.
I had that one last out burst of emotion on paper a long time ago and then it kind of just faded and I didn't really want to do it anymore. All of my supplies scattered to the wind and my sketchbooks got buried deep in the abyss of the garage.
For whatever reason I want to find my old stuff and get it out, start doing this again. I want to capture the kids in my hand. It feels good to want to do this again. Like my own present to me.
I used to be so good at this. We'll see. Maybe It'll be like riding a bike. Don't know.

A Souvenier from the Lake

2011-07-31T14:54:00.000-04:00

We buzzed the kids' hair again at the lake. I don't think either one of them was too happy about it.

Cooper being funny. Crazy, Polak.

Sam finally less mad about his lack of hair.

Here is Sam the previous week when we were at COSI

Cooper at COSI

Sam and Daisy

2011-07-26T14:34:00.000-04:00

For whatever reason two is always better than one. A friend of my sister had a guinea pig that had babies. I told her if she could gaurantee a girl I would take one. So here's our new girl, Daisy. Sam liked that name the best of all of the names I came up with. He loves to carry her around, much to her dismay. She is calmer and not as bitey as Millie.

He is just too cute with that little pig!

On our way back home

2011-07-16T14:11:00.000-04:00

Two of us riding nowhere

Spending someone's

Hard earned pay

You and me Sunday driving

Not arriving

On our way back home

We're on our way home

We're going home

Two of us sending postcards

Writing letters

On my wall

You and me burning matches

Lifting latches

On our way back home

We're on our way home

We're going home

You and I have memories

Longer than the road that stretches out ahead

Two of us wearing raincoats

Standing solo

In the sun

You and me chasing paper

Getting nowhere

On our way back home

We're on our way home

We're going home

You and I have memories

Longer than the road that stretches out ahead

We're going home

Better believe it

We stopped at a park halfway back from the lake to let the kids play for a little bit. It was fun but about 100 degrees so it didn't last long. See you soon, lake!

Funny Face Lunch

2011-07-15T08:44:00.010-04:00

Smile, Sam.
Sam: "Uh, No!"

There's a smile

I don't want the pictures, Mommy!

Smile, Sam. No not like that!

There's my smile!

A picture of Cooper for good measure

Summertime is lake time

2011-07-14T13:44:00.000-04:00

We went out on the boat for a spin before heading back home.

Here's Sam smiling

Cooper getting his, "Sea legs."

Cooper driving the boat

He looks so small in that big life jacket

Enjoying the ride

Sam in the sun

Great picture, Mom.

Sam and I

Sam driving

Hi, I'm driving the speed boat today!

The lake

Cooper paointing at something

Pulling back into the dock

Getting ready for the baot to, "Sleep," for the night

Die, devil beasts of the driveway!!

2011-07-14T08:10:00.001-04:00

We were on our way out to go to the zoo and what was waiting for me in the driveway? The f-ing Cicada Killers!
When we moved into our house we killed no less than 40 of these larger than huge bees. I remember walking outside one day and wondering what the hell these things were. I'd never seen a bee so huge and fierce. We've been orchestrating their genecide for the past 6-7 years.
Every year the numbers dwindle but the threat always remains.
I've killed a couple and it's always when I'm mad about something and I head outside and there they are. Large, scary and in my way.

I grabbed my trusty can of brake klean and killed one this morning with a fierce, indian-like battle cry. I noticed a few more of their mounds and I'm ready. No more being a prisoner in my house because I'm afraid of the gigantic bees!! No more!
Imagine seeing these damned, devil bugs flying at you!
Maybe I'll just kill them and they'll be gone..... for good. Finally.
I hope so.

The boys and the dogs

2011-07-13T16:07:00.000-04:00

Here are both dogs. Guess who's still there? TOADY!

My little, old, man.

My Poo drinking a smoothie

Don't know why but he doesn't like looking at the camera.

Smile Sam! (He should be smiling, he found that nice car he has in his hand and it was expensive but he loved it so we had to get it.)

Cooper and Toady.

Ben licking his chops

There he is, under that table!

This was our first trip to the lake in a long while and it was a good one.

Journey Behind the Falls

2011-07-10T16:50:00.000-04:00

Looking at the top of the Horseshoe Falls

Raincoats, again!

Going behind the falls...

Jim and I with the falls right behind us

Actually, "Behind," the Falls.

This was the part that we got the most wet.

Then we were waiting for about an hour for dinner.

I thought Sam would love this.

The Journey Behind the Falls chipmunk guy

The view of the falls from the restaurant

A rainbow day!

I'll Miss You, Toady.

2011-07-07T12:00:00.001-04:00

There are quite a few things going on.

Let me start with today.

Firstly I'm going to have to say good bye to the third member of our trio of pugs. My dear, Toady. Justin named you, "Frodo Puggins," all of those years ago when we got you. There was an add in a local Pennsylvania paper saying, "Give us $100.00 and you can have him." I was on a pug forum online and those people empowered me to drive out there and get him. They all told me I was so close and I could save this poor dog. Who knows who would have bought him and done terrible things to him.

So we drove to Pennsylvania to get you. When we got there you were tied to the inside knob of the back door and slept in a rabbit cage. We brought you from bad conditions and loved you. Then you started getting older and had more health problems. We found out you have horrible hips, an elongated soft palate and epilepsy. I think it is about time for you. You're not doing well anymore and I know you feel that. I'm sorry. I want to love you forever. I'll even miss your endless puking. Your face always looked like you were smiling. :'( You'll get to see Missy again and I'll meet you at the rainbow bridge.

We got the boat up and running and we are going to the lake this weekend. Sweet.

While purchasing a few items for said trip to the lake the nice cashier at Meijer wouldn't take my debit card. So I got to drive home the most angry I've been in a long time to find out that the bank put a hold on my credit card because I booked a hotel room for this wedding we are going to in a month in Canada. The bank thought it was some sort of fraudulent activity and turned off my card. So after being transferred to 5 people and calling my bank and the hotel back, looks like we're good to go.

For whatever reason the kids have been killing each other. As I'm in line at the store the damned kids are in the cart literally stabbing each other in the eyes and ripping out each other's hair. They are telling me that my card won't work and the kids are in some death brawl. I wanted to melt into the floor. That's it for right now. More when we return.

Sam's Bike

2011-07-06T09:18:00.002-04:00

Sam got a new bike for his birthday and this is the first time he actually pedalled it around. It killed me to see this little boy pedalling around on the smallest bike they make.

This picture looks like everyone was chasing Sam: They probably were!

I Am Speed!

2011-07-05T21:19:00.000-04:00

Equipped with a Lightning McQueen life jacket Sam went on a voyage of the lake. He was convinced that our ratty old, pontoon boat was a, "Speed Boat."

Hi!!

Daddy offered to let Sam drive but I think he was too afraid. Maybe next time...

A new hawk's nest. Later we saw a hawk swoop down and grab a fish from the water. Amazing!

He wouldn't smile. Surprise.

The closest he would get to, "Helping Daddy drive," was sitting next to him. You can tell by his expression that he wasn't too thrilled.

And as for the rickety ond boat, it seems to be holding up ok! See you next weekend, my battered and tattered love!

And I think to myself, what a wonderful world!

2011-07-02T21:34:00.001-04:00

This morning like many, many others, I was awakened by Sam at the ripe hour of 6:15. After convincing him to go back to sleep for a little while, he was off. I'm glad I bought another hour from the wake up artist.
Jim went to Tim Horton's and picked up some doughnuts. He got cinnamon rolls for the kids because they wanted, "Honey Buns," for breakfast. Sam ate the whole thing and Cooper picked at his. He told me he ate a, "Rat bite."
Don't care. It's my one day off.
By the end of breakfast Jim has slipped outside and people are starting to filter over to help put together the swing set for the boys.
We're getting everything ready to head to the farmer's market when Nikki walks in with Abby.
Ok. Change of plans.
So the kids go out in the driveway and I bust out the sidewalk paint. I start to feel kind of stir crazy so we head over to White Park. After yet another futile search effort for Cooper's lost bug bracelet the kids play and Abby dozes in the swing.
We play for a while and then I take the kids to McDonald's. This is the first time I've had McDonald's in a long time. The kids ate well. Sam had 7 chicken nuggets and Cooper ate the better part of a cheeseburger. After lunch we go out and play in the pool for a while. Then the kids lay down and fall asleep almost immediately for a nap.
One of my sister's friends had a guinea pig that had babies. I told her if she could guarantee a female then I would take one. Well she had them sexed and had a female. My sister lives by her and she picked up this little guinea pig on her way over. It showed up in a box and was so small and cute. Milly has been pretty nice to her.
During the kids nap, the swing set continues to be erected.
When the kids got up they both got to see the new, unnamed guinea pig and the, "Park," in the backyard.
Jim was keeling over from heat exhaustion and vomited into the sink. Feeling better, we get dinner and everyone cools off inside.
I thought it would be a good idea to take the kids to go swimming at Jim's parents house. So we headed over there. We spent over an hour playing with the kids in the pool. As an extra special treat we stopped at Netty's to get ice cream. My only real complaint about anything today was that my ice cream was more of pineapple and whipped cream and there was really no ice cream in it. Like someone was in a hurry and filled a cup with whipped cream and made a shotty sundae out of it.
Oh well.
We came home and the kids were drinking their slushes. We went out and I put the swings up and the kids played. Sam was on his stomach like he was, "Flying." I remembered for the briefest second what it was like to be a kid and to be so happy. To fly like I was Superman and not have a care in the world. Tears came to my eyes as I realized what a wonderful moment it was. For that time, everything seemed perfect. It was like a dream I never wanted to wake up from. We came inside and I put on, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," sung by the big Hawaiian guy named Izreal. It was the song we danced to at our wedding. It seemed like the perfect ending to a perfect day.
I laid my kids down to bed with new eyes. I wasn't annoyed that Sam had to pee 80 times since we've laid him down or Cooper won't stop kicking the wall, or someone streaks by naked and takes off into the backyard. I wasn't overly tired or beat down. I was laying my kids down and mad about a million little naughty things over the course of the day.
I laid them down so wrapped in love. I wanted to hold them forever and never let go. I think we all needed a refresher from the normal stresses of life and maybe today was just that. Sure, my life wasn't the best but there is one thing I'm good at and it's loving those two boys. I'm glad they get to have more than what I had.
In this life there is one thought I always carry with me: Unconditional positive regard. This meaning that no matter what happens or how bad my kids can be, I always love them. I think I've been stressed and angry lately and it comes through to my children even though I never mean it to. So here's to the resurrection of that old philosophy. Today was a testament to the fact that I can say that even though the day was stressful I found so much good in it, so much beauty and love. I laid the kids down not happy for the day to be over so I can have five minutes of rest but I'm dying for the next time we can have so much fun. I love you, boys! Good night!

African Wildlife Safari: Justin is 19

2011-06-30T13:30:00.000-04:00

So we drove to the African Wildlife Safari. I haven't been there in a while and my brother is 19. Happy Birthday, Justin. When we were on Rt 2 just driving along, Cooper said, "Oh my shoes!" and proceeded to throw up all over the back seat and all over Justin. Sign of the times to come? Maybe...

Lemur Island

A deer. By the way, Justin took all of the pictures and they are not of good quality.

A giant bull thing

"Don't horn up my car, don't horn up my car, don't horn up my car!!"

A buffalo raping my mom's hair with his tongue

Giraffes. They were much cooler when they were in the car eating carrots from our hands but someone didn't get all of the good pictures.

Feed me too!

Sam on the camel. I couldn't believe he just got on and was smiling. I was waiting for the screams and tears.

Horse poo

And the the horse it came from.

And this concluded our day of fun with the boys and a long drive.

Whirlpool Aerocar

2011-06-29T09:22:00.002-04:00

I get butterflies in my stomach just like when we are waiting for a plane to take off.

While we are waiting a double decker bus pulls up. It made me miss the kids terribly

We get on. I'm thinking, "Holy shit, we're going to die." I remember telling Jim I didn't want to do it anymore.

Almost immediately I'm better.

What a view!

It's amazing that the falls started 19 km up river

Don't look down!

The whirlpool rapids

The other side of the aerocar

A small waterfall

Right above the whirlpool.

This blows glass

2011-06-28T14:01:00.000-04:00

Totem pole in front of this trading post place we found along our long walk

Oh my favorite thing: Glass blowing.

I could watch this all day

Did I mention, I love glass blowing?

And from a chunk of nothing comes a vase

It came out nice

Anatomically correct moose

Of course!

Me by the bear

Me next to the bear

By now we were almost done with our long walk. Only one more stop

Killing Jim

2011-06-26T15:34:00.000-04:00

Self explanatory

We just started walking....

A huge Hershey kiss

The viewing platform on the American side

The rainbow bridge.

Beneath the rainbow bridge

Jim under the rainbow bridge

Me walking under the flowering trees

A snail, made me think of my boys

Chinese temple thing. By the time we reached this point, we had walked about 10 miles. Note to others: The map of Niagara Falls is NOT drawn to scale...

Tunnel to the white water walk

The rapids

Trying to show how rough the water really is

Jim next to the rapids

That makes them look a little worse

Gum wall

The boardwalk to the rapids

Tunnel out

Another Chinese temple thingy

The rapids from the road above

Looking down

By the time we were back on the road, Jim was ready to murder me. He called everyone and told them I tried to kill him by walking him to death. Personally I enjoy a very long walk without a point but that's just me.

Butterfly house

2011-06-25T08:46:00.000-04:00

I've been very good about finding little, day trip things to do with the kids. We go to the zoo, the butterfly house, the African Wildlife safari, and many other places the kids find interesting.

There they are, up there!

Sitting on the bench with Busia

A butterfly that Sam liked

You can see the butterflies behind Sam, eating some fruit

Of all of the interesting things to see, the boys found the only ball in the butterfly house

Another chair

A view of the room

Then outside was Sam's potty training mishap. He had been wearing underwear all day without any accidents and we went outside near a small fountain. Sam was so upset because he just started, "Peeing all over." I can't believe I didn't think about that fountain before we got so close.

Maid of the Mist

2011-06-22T09:22:00.001-04:00

Sorry but I took about 400 pictures in Niagara Falls and I couldn't post them all at once.

Here we go. Everyone is just getting loaded on the boat.

The first of many rain coat shots. (We tried to let them give us two kids sized ones to take home and they wouldn't do it.)

A tugboat, I thought the boys would love it

Starting up river.

Getting misty

The Skylon Tower from the boat.

Clark Griswald, I mean Jim

Over the falls

The water thundered down

The American side with the walk thingy

The old powerhouse

Ride's almost over. Man were we wet.

Just Beachy

2011-06-21T21:18:00.000-04:00

Here are the boys trying to fill the lake up with sand.

"I dump it in."

I don't know what Cooper was saying.

Sam was pointing to a boat, "Look, a speed boat!"

In the water.

Both boys, getting wet

Sandcastles

Arriving

2011-06-16T21:26:00.000-04:00

My first impression of Niagara Falls took my breath away.

I couldn't believe how big it all was.

How much water was moving. When I looked over the edge for the first time I almost passed out.

I have never been so blown away in my life. My mind was completely at rest.

It felt like the world was at ease.

It makes so you seem so small.

Jim by the falls.

Me by the falls.

A look back up the street.

The first gift shop we went in. I thought the kids would love the bears.

Grieving

2011-06-14T15:32:00.000-04:00

Grieve what you lost.
Grieve the illusion of a happy childhood.
Deepest hurt is with mothers whose primal impulse is to protect.
You may feel foolsih about crying because it happened so long ago.
Grieving means to allow feelings when they arise.
Mourn like someone close to you has died.
These were notes I was jotting down as I was reading.
Grieve what you lost. And I write all of these things. Things I don't want to type on here.
When I'm done I stumble around looking for a phone book. The internet isn't helpful. I'm getting deeper and deeper into this book and I'm trying to find someone to talk to, counselor-wise. The promedica site doesn't help. I don't want to go to see one person specifically.
I just think it's time to talk to someone.

Notice anything different?

2011-06-13T10:37:00.000-04:00

Here is me around Easter with my old nemesis: glasses.

Now here is me, with my hair shorter and less one pair of glasses. If you look very closely you might be able to see my contacts. I'm down to about 5 minutes to get them in. I still have a hard time getting the left one in but it's ok.

I feel like a new person. :)

Eye Spy

2011-06-10T08:16:00.000-04:00

I waited and waited as is the custom when you go to the optometrist. Then I go through the, "Read this line, look into this bright light, don't blink at the puff of air tests." I explain that I've always wanted to wear contacts because I hate glasses with a passion. So after a great appointment, all waiting forgotten, it's off to some small room with a mirror on the table and a Dr for encouragement. Back up a sec. First the Dr tried to put the contacts in and couldn't do it due to my twitchiness. So I'm in this room to try it myself.
Two hours later, with eyes the consistency of sand paper, red and feeling like they are bleeding, the damned contacts are in. Then she tells me she wants to make sure I can get them out.
Are you kidding me? My eyes are going to fall out as it is. Can't we just leave them in for a while? Nope. Take them out. This requires more touching of my eye than putting them in. And I go home with my cantacts in the little jars and my glasses back on. I bet those people were glad to see me leave. I think I took up about 5 appointment times.
That's what they get for keeping me waiting.

And now I'm waiting for my mom to get out of the bathroom so I can play, "Touch my eye," again. I walked in to the optometrist with thoughts of my eyes being blue and being able to see without my glasses and left feeling like a failure. We'll see how today goes....

So come on, get into your car and drive

2011-06-08T13:49:00.000-04:00

This was the first sign we saw for Niagara Falls.

Oh the things you find in a gas station. It said, "Canadian Beaver Buzz Energy Drink. Flavor: Dam Good."

Twice the size of the regular ones

I always hate when you take pictures of a valley, it's never as pretty on here as it is in person.

These were huge flocks of ducks that were living in the trees. I've never seen anything like it.

A bridge

A Bobcat for the kids

Walk down from our hotel and if you look closely,

You can see the falls at the bottom of the hill.

This is the start of our much awaited vacation!

Catching up: Haircuts (Again)

2011-06-01T09:03:00.000-04:00

Here are the kids right before the haircuts again.

Cooper has trained himself to not look at the camera unless necessary. He looks so big with his short hair.

Sam wouldn't let me take a picture so I snuck one when he was sleeping

Here is a picture of both kids smiling. (And Sam chewing on a twist tie.)

Catching up: Sam and Cooper's Party

2011-05-31T08:26:00.000-04:00

My USB cable for my new camera is somehow missing so I'm just getting around to posting these. Here's the kids cake.

My mom, sister, brother and Cooper with his eyes closed

Happy Birthday, Sam and Cooper. Happy Birthday to you!

On our way

2011-05-27T09:41:00.000-04:00

We're heading out for a mini vacation. Be back in a few with many pictures!

Believing

2011-05-24T15:23:00.000-04:00

The book gets harder the farther you go into it.
Next step: Believing.
Believe it happened.
Believe it mattered.
"Violation is determined by your experience as a child, your body, your feelings, your spirit."
Believing doesn't happen all at once
Telling takes a leap of faith.
It's the hardest thing to put words to.

I was sexually abused as a child. It mattered to me and still matters to me til this day.

Details of what you remember (_______________ in my journal.)

Understanding it wasn't your fault.
Nothing within your power could have stopped it.
Your world was an unsafe place.
"Not having that little girl means you lost something. You have not had access to her softness, sense of trust and wonder."
A relationship with that child inside you that was abused means hearing the depth of her pain.
I begin to hear her crying in me.
Give her whatever she needs to heal: Silence, flowers to rest in, a quiet place.

After writing a few more pages in my journal I found that girl and cried with her. I wrote her a letter. This was the hardest thing I've had to do. I felt cold and was shaking so I made some tea and got some crackers and sat in the sun. The sun warmed me and my soul felt a little better.
Dear younger me,
I want to keep you safe and take you away from your pain. I'm sorry now. I want to take you far away to the water where there isn't anyone to hurt you. I want to hold you and we can live in the little house that my grandpa was going to build. I love you and I'm sorry. You are perfect and beautiful. You will never have to listen to the things they tell you. I want you to smile, smile really from your heart and know you are safe.

It is hard but I'm doing it.

Packing up

2011-05-24T09:09:00.000-04:00

We're going on vacation soon to Niagara Falls.
I had a friend tell me it was a lame vacation and we should go somewhere, "Fun."
I think it's going to be very fun. I love to learn new things and explore. I don't really care what he thinks, we're going to be without any screaming or whining or mess cleaning for 4 whole days. 4 WHOLE DAYS! It makes me sad to leave the kids but at the same time I need a break. I get so tired of being everything for everyone. I just want to relax. See things. Meander. Sleep in. Eat at nice places. Drink good coffee. Have fun.
I can't believe how excited I am. Sure, Niagara Falls isn't a 5 star amusement park but I'm ecstatic to be getting out of town. Now that we have a free-loader, I think we're going to take a few mini vacations, "just to get away," this summer. It amazes me when we can go to dinner and not have kids screaming and throwing things. Granted, we've only had to leave restaurants maybe 2 times because the kids were being too bad but still, it's nice to taste your food instead of just wolfing it down before the french fries start flying. I'm usually the potty person as well. Sam doesn't want anything to do with the potty at home but get him anywhere that a vd could be lurking and he has to pee there.
I picture coming home and Jim's parents waiting at the door with the kids' bags packed and them ready to be loaded into the car. Hahahaha. Suckers.
All we have to pack are the stuffed animals and blankets closer to when we leave. I'm all packed except my bathroom stuff. I'll have to pack that on the morning we leave. I can pack some of it but some other stuff will have to wait until we are walking out the door.
I'm getting really psyched up about going!!!!
I can't wait!!!!!

Perfect Day

2011-05-23T13:59:00.000-04:00

I just spent the day with my boys. We went to pay my car payment and then took a detour to the park.
Came home. Played. Ate lunch and then decided to go to Luna Pier. The kids were terrified of putting their feet in the water and Cooper was so upset I had to carry him.
Somehow being around water completely recharges me. I've always been that way. Spending an hour collecting beach glass with my boys and just walking at the edge of the lake just does something to me inside. It just feels like I've been hooked up to a battery charger and all of the badness, anger, and various other crap is washed away and my slate is clean. There is nothing on the planet that can get me down right now.
Just 3 more days to our little mini vacation. Where? Niagara Falls. Lots of water.
I can't even say how much I feel at ease, like life is on my side. Thank you, Luna Pier for making my day feel so great!

Working on myself

2011-05-19T18:15:00.004-04:00

Taking care and taking stock. Chapter 3.
Tells you that you have love yourself, nuture yourself.
Find a counselor. You should never have to go through things alone.
It also talks about support systems. When I think about it there were a lot of people I could have talked to but never did.
Then when I open up to someone I get dragged somewhere and made to talk about things I don't want to talk about. So, I have a counselor and just have to call to set up the appointment.
I guess Jim has always been the only person that I , "Really let in." I don't like talking about my problems but I was always upfront with him. I wonder why? I can't really say. Maybe he always made me feel safe. I don't know. He was really the first person that I ever told about my life and he wasn't afraid and didn't run away. He protected me and was considerate of how situations and things made me feel.
I'm staring at the number right now. Maybe later........ *Groans.........
Here's what I wrote in my journal for today's reading:
Healing is a continuum, not linear but part of life.
Don't wait because it will not go away
It's not easy
I am brave
Remember to breathe.
I remember_____________________________ (In my journal)
I don't remember ________________________ (In my journal)

A new start

2011-05-19T07:21:00.001-04:00

Read the first two chapters of my new book to help me deal with my past.

Obviously you have this problem if you are reading this book.... Not admitting you have a problem is the first step. Maybe it won't be so bad.
Chapter 1, How does your past affect you today? I'm still wrecked.

Chapter 2, What coping mechanisms did you use as a child?
Numbness, staring off and making myself blend in.

This is the much abridged version. I don't want to openly write too much on here yet but I'm working on it.
Reading this book is like what's in me is falling onto a page. I know these things are hidden there. People in your situation have problems doing _____, many people feel like this ______, you may have dealt with things in such and such way _______.

I know I need to do this. I know it's not going to be fun.

Grateful for the small things

2011-05-18T08:49:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about small things that make me so happy.
I had a 90 year old that needed chemo and somehow the crappy, old IV still had a blood return. Small miracle.
One flush in my pocket right when I need it.
Small miracle.
My little confused guy not falling on my watch (but getting mad when I wouldn't leave him alone in the bathroom)
Small miracle.
Getting called off and having a couple hours to lay around and be lazy.
Small miracle.
All of the rain lately. This sucks from the little kids-that-want-to-play-outside standpoint but it's nice for someone that likes to find some dirt roads and tear around.
Small miracle.
Finally seeing the sun after the rain.
Small miracle.
Coming home from work and saying, "Today was a pretty good day."
Small miracle.
Waking up to my boys crawling all over me and growling like tigers.
Beautiful.
I've just felt a lot of these, "Little miracles," in my life.
I have always felt close to God until 2006, but that's another story. I think I'm finally getting back to a place where everything is ok. Where things feel like they're fine.
Since my exploits with my parents' marriage counselor, my stress has been so bad that I could hardly function. I'm finally getting back to where I can be a, "Normal," person for a change. Where I can go through each day not wanting to just start screaming.
Big miracle.
I was talking to Sam this morning and I was telling him he's going to stay with grandma and grandpa for a couple days. He told me that, "It's because you and Daddy are going on an adventure." Yes. It is going to be an adventure.
We're going to go to Niagara Falls. As much as it's cliche, it's something I've been looking forward to for a long time. No kids waking us up at 6 am, no dogs running around, no lack of sleep. We'll be able to browse things in a leisurely way and not have to rush because someone is having a breakdown. No searching desperately for a potty for a little boy that has to pee at every public bathroom he can find. I can't tell you how nice it will be. I've updated the Tom Tom. Checked out the sites. Planned as much as I want to plan. I used to be the person that planned every minute of everything but for this one I think we're going to play it by ear. There are a couple things I want to see but for the most part, we'll just see where the road takes us.
Getting away for a few days.
Big miracle.
I remember Paul McCartney talking about him and Linda would drive somewhere and get, "Deliberately lost." I always thought that it was such a wonderful thought. To just get lost with someone and know that eventually you'll find your way back. I haven't thought about this in a long time because there has been so much stress and strangeness in my life.
Getting back to everything feeling simpler.

Small miracle.

We found a train

2011-05-13T16:39:00.000-04:00

While driving around one night we randomly found a train. Actually it's a train in the loosest sense of the word. A modified truck to look like a train.

My Sammiest, Sam

My pooh wouldn't smile

Anger Management

2011-05-13T14:08:00.000-04:00

I have been searching for things to write about. As my previous blogs have illustrated, my life has not all been good.

For the first time in my life, I think, I'm dealing with a lot of anger. Anger toward my life, my parents' lack of involvement in mine, being ignored, unloved and used. Yes, used. Just like this act of recent times. I wrote about getting dragged to the counselor under the guise of, "Helping my parents," only to find out all of the horrors of my childhood would be laid out on the table. I was upset because I had to sit there and spill out my heart, full of hurt and sadness into a room of people that were unaware or aware and stupid of my situation. Oh, the shock. Oh, the guilt. Oh, the apologies. Apologies flung my way.

The counselor told me I have every right to be very angry. I've thought about that a lot.
And the more I think about it, the more I AM angry. I am very mad. I was hurt and my pleas were ignored by the people that are supposed to care, supposed to protect me.
I told her that I've never really been mad. And the more I thought about it, I think I pretty much turned off that mad function that most people have. I thought about it and I'm fucking pissed, that's how mad I am.
As a child I turned inward and made myself, "Quiet." I read a lot. Didn't have a lot of friends. Would rather sit somewhere and people watch then be the person doing something interesting enough to be the one watched. I would be the person sitting quietly in back, laughing when people laughed and just being part of a group. I was painfully shy in grade school and high school. I didn't talk to many people and it was always hard for me to make friends. The ones I'm close to have been great, saviours in my life. I spent a lot of time playing with my little brother. I loved art. It was something I was good at. I could do it quietly by myself and not have people bother me. I was never the person sketching at the coffee shop with people sitting around telling me I was good. I was almost afraid of people. I put up this wall and like a metal detector, I could feel if peopke
Back to being mad. My parents were never very loving. We were never hugged, no one kissed us goodnight and told us they loved us. I remember when my sister started running away and getting into, "Trouble." I just put all of my feelings away and locked them up. I could never be mad for myself because I was worried for her. I could never have my own pain because I was always, "there," for someone else. My grandma was always sick. In and out of hospitals my own sadness was put behind a veil of worry for her.
Now she's gone. Well, that's it.
This is my time to be angry. I am important. I am a damned person too.
I am angry with my current living situation. I have a new roommate. I don't allow this because I agree with the situation or really even care. I guess I do it on the principle of the whole thing. Just another thing to add to my list. After all of the crap I've seen, been apart of, dealt with, and I'm supposed to live with one of the people that has made my life hell?
I cannot sit and post pictures of my boys right now and talk about how great things are because they are not. I am just plain mad and I have to get some of it out before I go crazy. I took some aggression out on my kitchen floor today. Maybe I just need to run. To get out and just run until my legs fall off. Maybe if I can, I'll start doing it.

AAAAAAaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhgggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Mother's Love

2011-05-08T16:23:00.000-04:00

Here are my lovely boys.

They taught me how to love, laugh, cry, forgive, really hug, change a diaper in less than thirty seconds, not be afraid of anything and be invincible.

I know Mother's Day is supposed to be a day for me but I wouldn't be a Mommy without them.

I love you more and more each day!

Wipe that tear away now from your eye...

2011-05-03T08:04:00.000-04:00

Puke in the morning, nothing that any mom hasn't dealt with.
I think this is going to be a good old, bitch fest.
Sam got up and thew up. I took some of Jim's flexeril last night and was in some sort of flexeril coma.
Jim cleaned up the puke. Score one for me.
I was talking to Sam and I told him I was going to call the dentist and cancel the appointments for today. Sam said, "My tummy doesn't hurt. I want to ride in the dentist chair." If you puke on the dentist, it's another point for me. I have a hate for the dentist, like most people. I have some genetically small, freak mouth. Any dentist I go to, the instruments of pain are too big and they can't fit them in my mouth so I get jabbed and scratched unnecessarily. Not fun. Because of my small mouth, I've been known to puke on the dentist from time to time. Ha.
I can't even put into words how horrifically bad my emotional state has been for the past few days. All of this shit business of my childhood has been dragged out again. I lived it and it was bad enough, can't I just leave it at that? I hate having to talk about this shit that is nearly 30 years old. I don't know why everyone wants to get all warm and fuzzy about me all of the sudden. We talked at the counselor, I mean I was badgered into talking when I didn't want to about things I didn't want to talk about. I tried to talk to my mom immediately after leaving the counselor and she completely ignored me. We went to Olive Garden, my mom, sister and I and all ordered desserts. Before my sister got there, I was trying to talk to my mom and she would ignore me, looking at the menu and saying things like, "I think I'll order this..."
I hate people anymore. I don't want to deal with this shit anymore. I wanted to call Heather so badly and just do some yelling. I wanted Jim there to back me up so I didn't feel so bad. Oh well, it didn't go down like that...
AS much as people tell you that all of these things are never your fault, you did nothing wrong...etc, you still feel like such shit afterwards.
My emotions are set at, "Hair trigger," right now. Any little thing will make me break down and start bawling. I don't want to go to work this week and deal with all of the stress of it all.
So that's it for now. When I can think of other things to complain about, I will.

Egg-cellent

2011-05-02T10:43:00.000-04:00

Coloring eggs for Easter.

Yellow and Orange

Red and Green

Helping Sam to be, "Careful with them."

Helping Cooper

Purple is mommy's color

Don't drop it, Sam!

Holy Crapola!

2011-04-29T16:01:00.000-04:00

Holy Crap I haven't posted in a long time. The world has been against me. I swear it has.

My mom is slated to move in today. YAY.

My sister spontaneously came over yesterday and we had a talk I thought we would never have. I told her about things I've repressed down so far they didn't seem real. Then later I got the string of texts saying she yelled at my parents and I need to talk to someone.

I've lived my entire life not needing anyone and I don't think I need someone now. I just want to be left alone. I'm lonely and hurt somewhere that is buried so deep it will never be fixed.

I finished my poster board for nurses week.

I designed some awesome ass T-shirts for nurses week.

Yesterday we were driving to Pet Supply Plus to get some bedding for Millie. I was so upset about this talk with my sister I was out of it and just bawling for no reason. Then what should appear? A rainbow! I think this was a personal message for me. I've written about the Wizard of Oz before. I always thought that no matter how bad some things were, I would always be better. There would be a place that was better, where I was loved. I felt at peace. I was kicking myself in the ass for talking to my sister and opening up all of this old, bottled up emotion. I was destroyed emotionally and felt like vomiting. I wanted to curl up in a hole for a few years and let the bad feelings drift away. Then I remembered my, "Over the Rainbow." I'm there now wuth these boys. I was so afraid to have children, that I wouldn't love them enough, I would mess them up somehow, a laundry list of, "What if's." I was so afraid of doing the," wrong things," whatever that would be. One day I thought about it and they are my, "Over the Rainbow." They are what saved my heart and made my shit life OK.

They are that happy place for me. There was nothing I ever wanted more than to love someone that completely. I guess I was going to write about Easter and all of the candy I wish the kids hadn't gotten but oh well. This is just as nice, I guess.

Oddly enough I feel better today. I feel like I went through the fire and came out better on the other side. I feel weird and semiviolated to have my family have some strange meeting without me there but my sister is a lot better at yelling than I am. I just somehow don't feel so alone as I did. I just feel a little bit better. Sorry to not say more.

Dream, dream, dream

2011-04-12T16:43:00.000-04:00

The last sleep in the little beds. Sam in the toddler bed and Cooper in his crib.

Cooper and his partner in crime, "Monka."

From the Depths of the Shadows

2011-04-08T13:33:00.000-04:00

This was a random day that I turned off my flash and went over near the window to see what we could see.

Brotherly love

Sammy, very close because he wanted to, "See himself in the little window."

Cooper looking shocked by all of this

Squirrel watching

Sam's Little Party

2011-04-06T16:18:00.000-04:00

When I came home from work on Friday, April 1st I was less than thrilled to see cars in the driveway. I was asked previously if I wanted to do anything on Sam's birthday. I said no and graciously declined due to the fact that I would be working that day. I'm never in a mood to leave the house at 6:05, return around 8:00 pm and want to do anything other than sleep. So I walk in to my mom and brother there, a cookie cake and a few presents. We are going to have a big party for both boys in a month. So we get the candles and prepare for this, "Mini party."

We're singing Happy Birthday and Stol Lat, as are our traditions.

Blowing out the candles

Before the demise of the cake

Have your cake and eat it too

Mommy in her scrubs and Sam

A blue, blue Cooper. It took no less than 3 washes (3 days) to get all of the blue off of his hands and face. Amazing. Thanks, Mom.

Look, Everyone. I'm yellow!

There was frosting everywhere and I was ready for bed. This night I was asleep by 9:30.

Whew!

Thanks for being you, Sam.

Lots of Firsts

2011-04-02T22:15:00.000-04:00

There were a lot of firsts in our house today. We were getting Sam's new "Big bed," delivered. So I got a couple pictures of the kids hiding behind the mattresses.

The bed came a couple hours late, but who ever expects the delivery people to be on time?

I moved the toddler bed into Cooper's room. After all of the excitement of the kids climbing to the top the the new bunk bed and hiding underneath, when it was nap time, I didn't have the fire left to switch Cooper's stuff to Sam's old bed and take down the crib. Cooper demanded that he, "Sleep in that big bed, Mommy," so I sucked it up and did it. Cooper laid right down and went to sleep and Sam climbed in and out of the bunk bed about 10 times, go figure.

This was the first time that Sam's room has been clean, and I mean REALLY clean, in a long, long time. Like vacuum all of the corners and dust the cobwebs, clean.

Our last first is this little girl. We went to the Anderson's and Jim has been talking about getting the kids a Guinea Pig. I had one as a kid and had to get rid of it because my mom got pregnant with my brother and suddenly was allergic to her. I did not have the guinea pig on my mind as we left, nor when we were shopping. At All! Not at all.

The guy at the Anderson's was so nice, he had to get one out and have the kids pet it. Then Jim got hooked and had decided we were going to get one. I think I was trying to talk him out of it and say, "Let's wait until tomorrow...," hoping that tomorrow would mean never. We were going to head to Pet Supply Plus to price cages. That's all. Price cages.

But Jim had that look in his eye, like every time we go to trade in a car at the end of a lease; "We're not leaving today with a new car. Under no circumstances are we leaving today with a new car..." This was the same with the guinea pig. "We aren't going to get one today," but guess who road home on my lap in a sturdy box with all the guinea pig amenities in the back seat?

The kids didn't like a lot of names but decided on Millie. I don't think they were thrilled to find out she was a girl but she was Sam and Jim's favorite. My favorite was the tiniest, little one at Anderson's that was so fluffy and cute, but what do I know.

So here she is. Little and cute. Fuzzy. I wanted to not like her because I'm going to be the guinea pig poop bitch but it's hard not to. She lets the kids pet her and I've held her about 5 times thus far. Jim even held her until the threat of a guinea pig, "present," arose. So she was swept off his lap and back into her little home.

So Millie, I didn't want to like you but I've already broken down.

Jim just walked by and said, "Boy, that looks like a happy animal."

When I was laying Sam down tonight; he said, "Mommy, I'm not going to dream about any mean animals, I'm going to dream of Millie."

Yeah.

I think she is going to be a very happy, little critter.

Happy Birthday, Buddy!

2011-04-01T11:08:00.002-04:00

3 years ago today I held you for the first time. I found love after all of the pain and sadness in my life. I realized what it was to give your life to another person. I remember how little you were and how my heart wanted to explode.
When we were falling asleep last night Jim said, "Do you remember when Sam was born and you said his name?" Of course I remember! I said, "Hi, Sam," and he looked right at my face.
I held you all of the time when we were still at the hospital.
You used to fall asleep on my chest and we would take a nap together everyday around 10 am (before you started sleeping at night).
I will always think about when you would be up, smiling at 2 am and finally you would fall asleep after being up all night long, crushing me in strange ways on the couch.
I was so sad to see your crib go. It was even sadder to pack away years of little clothes. I dressed you in bears, because you always seemed like a little bear to me.
Now you are getting a big bed tomorrow. You are not a baby anymore. You love to hear about when you lived in my tummy and have to take a look to see the stretch marks and sagging skin. You tell me you remember sleeping next to my heart, in my tummy.
You have no idea how I love you. I know we have bad days when we don't get along but we always remember to tell each other that we still love each other at the end of the day. You will always be the first baby I held and loved. We went for a walk everyday when I was home before going back to work.
You were horrible at breast feeding but I did it because it was the, "Best thing." I have thousands of pictures of you doing everything for the first time. I will always have those early memories of you. I protected you from bapcia feeding you beer and kept you from getting sick. We got through your illnesses and trials.
I love you more and more each day.
Sometimes I don't think my heart is big enough to hold all of the love I have for you!

And now, 3 years old!

I love your sense of humor and all of the love you have and your bright, smile!

Dorky Mommy

2011-03-31T14:30:00.001-04:00

Ok, my first of very dorky things I've made lately. This is a meatloaf with hearts in the ketchup.

This is a lunch of fish sticks and letter tator tots that we found. Guess who's plate this is?

Here are the boys all dolled up in their aprons ready to make cupcakes to take to the baby sitter's house tomorrow.

Here is the things Willy Wonka dreams about: Technicolor Cupcakes

And the finished product. They taste as awesome as they look!

Here is how they look on the inside!

We just HAD to taste them beforehand to make sure they were ok.

NOT AGAIN!

2011-03-27T21:38:00.000-04:00

The other day I got a call from my mom and she said she was coming over.
OK. Normal stuff? Right?
I happened to be on my way out the door to get my hair cut. My mom arrived just then. So I figured she would just drive me over there. As we get into the car, she says something I know she's been thinking but I was hoping I wouldn't hear.
"You can put a mattress in your garage and I can stay with you for a while."
The gears begin to turn.
"Oh shit," I think as it hits me.
She's asking me to live with us again. She's planning on leaving my dad and living with me.
My first response is that we at least have a futon, no one will be living in the garage like a hobo. My brain is vomiting inside of my head and my stomach is turning. All I can think, is, "Not again, not again, not again."
Why am I the reliable one? Why me? I should have been more irresponsible with my money, not held a steady job, moved away from Toledo for God's sake. Something. Anything.
I like my privacy. I like to pee with the bathroom door open. I like to come home from work and not have to explain every detail of my day to someone that has no clue what I'm talking about.
Then today, I ask my mom how my dad took it. She says she hasn't told him yet. I told her she needs to tell him. I ask if she's looked into any apartments. She says no and gives me a sideways glance.
So I'm thinking she's thinking this is going to be more permanent than I thought. Slow breaths. In. Out. Deep, Slow.
I want to move. I want to do so many things. I want to be free. I want to travel. I want to have quiet nights watching tv. I want so many things that seem so trivial and important all of the sudden.
I don't look forward to this at all. Thinking about it makes me feel sick. I can't even write anymore. I just don't want to think about it anymore.
The marriage counselor asked my mom to stay long enough (at her home) to teach my dad to go to the bank, pay bills and write checks. My dad has relied on my mom for so long that he honestly doesn't know how to do simple everyday things.
Perfect example. My mom asked my dad to paint these fence posts in the yard. He's retired and doesn't do anything but putz in the garage all day. So she comes home and the fence isn't painted. My dad's excuse: no roller covers. Instead of driving to the store, he just didn't paint the fence because it never occurred to him to get roller covers.
In this same way, he's always let my mom deal with all of the shopping, banking, bills, wash, dishes, etc. You get the picture.
I'm supposed to go with my mom to her counselor tomorrow. We'll see.

Old Friends

2011-03-25T14:24:00.000-04:00

I remembered this morning that I was supposed to meet Rita at Wildwood today. Shit. The high is only about 28 degrees. So I talk to her and we decide to go to the mall.
I don't go to the mall very much because it's busy and with the kids and just me it's hard.
So we go to the mall and JCPenney isn't even open yet! So we wait in the little foyer area near the portrait studio for a couple minutes. When they turn on the lights we head in.
I see Rita and we start talking about what's going on with our lives. We walk for a while and suddenly a train drives by. Sam yells, "Follow that train!" So we do. We follow the train and the guy tells us that around noon they will be giving rides. So we putz around and look at things. We get some cars at the Disney store (Lightening McQueen for Sam and a helicopter for Cooper) and find a watercolor Wonder Pets book at Borders. Then we go to eat lunch. I ask Sam if he wants chicken because that is something easy. No, no chicken. Sam won't have it.
So we decide on Subway. I don't know how the kids will do. So I get a couple of meat and cheese sandwiches as well as something for me. I instantly remember why I don't like Subway: Too many choices. What kind of bread, cheese, meat, toppings, sauces, chips, cookies, drinks. Sweet Jesus! I'm pretty overwhelmed. I'm keeping half an eye on the kids as I'm trying to order food for three people with a million options.
I just notice that there are kid tables! I never noticed them before.
So we eat at a kid table and the kids do amazing. It was one of the times when I was so proud because they sat there and just ate like good kids. Then they caught sight of the train. So we headed in that direction. It was $3.00 a person. Who cares? The kids were so excited. So we road the train.
Then we went on a smell fest at the Yankee Candle store. My kids are weird and love to smell things so this was the perfect place. Both kids found things they liked and didn't like. By now it's 1 pm and Rita has to leave. So she makes her leave and I can't help myself; We ride the train one more time.
Now the kids are taking a nap and I'm seriously thinking about joining them.
I just had to write about my fun day with an old friend!

She Had That Look...

2011-03-21T09:13:00.000-04:00

We do a taped report at our shift change.
Everyone is always tired when they are leaving and everyone has said funny things on the tape.
One lady the other day said that this lady had, "A look that she was going to be incontinent."

Ever since we heard that, we've all been perfecting the look of incontinence. I think it's something like this.

I remember once taping report and in the middle I realized that I forgot to do something and said, "Oh shit." The oncoming shift was laughing. It makes me sad because I think taped report works on our unit and we're going to change to bedside report here shortly. This look of incontinence is a symbol of all of that: Times are changing, funny things said, and me not wanting to change.

Sunshine Crack Addiction

2011-03-18T08:35:00.004-04:00

I have always believed that I have Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD. I go through each and every winter feeling like I can hardly function. I feel listless and depressed. Somehow the lack of sunlight and green makes me feel, "Down in the dumps." It's like I can't to get rid of the snow. I think what I feel is worse than most people. I mean I can hardly stand the winter. I feel like when I get up and it's dark and I come home and it's dark that there was no life to that day. I can hardly stand to get out of bed, knowing it's going to be another cold, grey, day. I literally have to drag myself through all of the motions of winter. I hate going out at all in the cold.
All of my pleas to move somewhere constantly warm are never heeded.
So yesterday we went to the zoo, the kids took a nap and then we were outside again. As I sat there in a short sleeve shirt, without a jacket I could feel the warmth of the sun. It was like every warm southernly breeze blew all of that darkness out of me from the winter. I can see the buds on the trees and shoots of green coming up everywhere. This just makes me feel, "Zippy." It just makes my soul feel alive again, like I'm waking up from some hibernation. I feel like the warm weather is some kind of drug. I'm jonesing for it all winter and when it gets here I can't get enough. I already have a full day of outside things planned for today. AAAAaaaaahhhhhh, sweet sun!

Zoo-ing it!

2011-03-17T13:49:00.006-04:00

This is the first real warm day of the year. I called about 5 people today. No one was off work or otherwise not occupied.
I had already told the kids we were going to the zoo because it's supposed to be an awesomely nice day.
So I decide we're going to brave the zoo alone: two boys and me.
Here we go.
I think the kids were as pent up as me about this shitty and long winter. When I was making lunches and getting ready to go the kids were killing each other because they knew we were going to get out of the house. I had to break up the death brawls about 3 times before getting out the door. I get Cooper in the car and Sam takes off into the yard. He starts looking under the bricks for bugs and just not coming to the car. So I have to drag him over. The entire time Cooper is already in his seat screaming, "Sam, you are in trouble!"
So we're off.
The whole there we talk about if we should take the stroller. I decide to do it. I have diapers and lunches and Cooper that won't carry themselves. Also Cooper is the pokiest kid I've ever seen. My car is literally one step next to the back door. Sometimes it'll take him ten minutes to make this short journey because he has to find a small rock, a stick, a bug, an ant, or anything else that is interesting to a small boy. He notices every small detail in everything. He notices every time I wear different earrings or a necklace. He notices patterns in my shirt or a different button on my jeans. He finds every little speck of lint on the carpet. I guess that's how I find four leaf clovers. I see things that nobody else takes the time to look at. I remember being at Ottawa Park once with my class and I found an interesting mushroom a little ways off the path. A lady stopped and told me I had quite an eye. That there were hundreds of people that walked right past and never saw it. Now I'm getting off topic. Back to the zoo.
All of the animals are very active today.
We never need a map, we start at the new front, the polar bears and seals and then the wolves and new Africa. Then we head back past the bald eagles, who are very vocal today! Then over the bridge. My dad always makes howling noises in the bridge and in the little tunnel before you get to the Polar Bears. So both kids always do that now. I give them my best mock fear and say, "What's that sound? I'm so scared!"
We go to the bird house and then the primate forest. The monkeys looked like they were ravenous for the warm weather too. They were literally flying through the enclosures. One jumped from high up and vaulted off the glass in front of Sam. "Oh my! That scared me," was his response. Then we headed to Gorilla meadow. The silver back walked over to the window, shoved a bunch of veggies in his mouth and slowly wandered away. As we were heading to the aquarium, I ran into a lady I used to work with. We were both pregnant at the same time so Sam and her boy were only a couple months apart. They talked in detail about cars and things like that and then we headed on. So we do the aquarium how we always do. We head down the left side, through the bubble, jellyfish room and continue down the left until we get to the rain forest. We cut over, go through the rain forest and then go back through down the right side. Then we get to the South America huge fish and kind of do both sides.
We went to the park for lunch. Both kids ate every scrap of their lunches. Sam played nicely with everyone there. He gets weird when other kids get in his space. He just tries to get them out. I ran into another lady I used to work with. We talked about the different floors we work on and how TTH is treating us. What is it? 6S reunion day?
So then we go to Nature's Neighborhood which is this cute little kid place. The indoor place is so cool but I wanted to get outside. I'm wrangling the kids and trying to get them to walk together instead of scattering like cats. Cooper is running right towards me and falls and splits his lip. Great. I mend him up and we head outside. This is one of only a couple times I have a panicky, "oh shit," kind of moment.
There is a climbing tree house thing. The back has a wall you can climb up and then go down the slide. Sam keeps going down. I finally convince Cooper to sit on my lap and go down. So we did this for a while. Sam goes and then I come down right after him with Cooper. Usually by the time I get down the slide, Sam is halfway back up the wall to go down again. I tell Cooper we'll wait at the bottom for Sam to come. I wait a couple minutes and no Sam. I call him. No Sam. I think he's probably sitting by the top of slide, talking to some little boy. So I walk with Cooper around the back and see if he's there. No Sam. I start to feel scared. Where the hell did he go? I start looking around the immediate area. No Sam. Near the goats. No Sam. Back over to the wading stream. No Sam. My heart is beating out of my chest. I'm thinking about how to find him, call security, find someone that works there, ask people if they've seen him. Then I look over to where there's a sculpture of a ball of yarn and a flying kite. He's climbing on it. Relief floods my near broken heart. I go and get him and tell him we're going to see the Tigers and Otters (My favorite animal.)
Elephants first. I'm hoping it's not a repeat of last time when the elephant was humping a log. I avoided taking them over there. Not a series of questions I wanted to answer.
Thank God! No humping! Next are the otters. The one we could see was sleeping. Sam wanted to see him. He says they are his favorite animal as well. Sam has two stuffed otters he sleeps with every night: Clark and the Big Otter. The otter picked up his head and looked at us, TWICE. That's better than 90% of the times we come.
Then it's the last string of animals. Sloth bear, tigers and penguins. The penguins were in the water for the time in a while. Sam is seriously dragging. He lagged behind about 20 feet since the otters. We went to the gift shop and I told Sam he could get some rocks for his treasure chest. There are small bags you can buy and fill with rocks. He picked out some good ones and I got a costume jewelry butterfly necklace. I never get anything for myself when we go. So then we're on our way back home. Both kids are talking a mile a minute about what we saw, that the tiger was growling, the aerobatic monkeys, that Cooper hurt his lip. "My mouf was so hurt, Mommy."
I never really take pictures at the zoo. My small digital camera is broken and MIA and my other one is huge and balky and I hate trying to take it somewhere like the zoo. I always picture that being the end of it: The zoo and screaming kids everywhere. Millions of pieces of glass and black plastic. I would love to supplement all of my zoo posts with pictures of my favorite places and animals but it's not going to happen for a while.
I lay both kids down and they are right out. I think this may have been the most perfect day I've had in a long time.
It was amazing how well both kids did except for a bloody lip and an almost lost Sam, it was a great day!

Going to the Pigs

2011-03-16T13:21:00.000-04:00

Out of nowhere Jim says that he would be open to letting the kids have a guinea pig. I had a giunea pig when I was a kid and loved it. My dad took me to the old pet store that was in

Mircale Mile and let me pick out any animal in the whole store. I wanted an albino guinea pig with red eyes. I named her "Snowy."

I had that gionea pig for a long time, probably about 7 years. She would purr and breep and make all kinds of sounds. I would take her in the yard and let her eat the grass. I walked with her in a wagon. I remember watching the geese fly south for the winter and holding my little friend in the grass. Her cage was next to the refridgerator and she would bang on the bars when you would open the door, begging for some lettuce or a carrot. She ended up being very fat.

When I was about 10 my mom got pregnant and developed allergies to my little pocket pet that landed her in the hospital a couple times. Alas, poor snowy had to go. I was so sad to get rid of my little buddy.

But out of nowhere Jim said that I need to give him a plan about having a guinea pig. I never thought he would want such a thing. I guess the times they are a changin'. I looked up what you need for a guinea pig. I remember some of it from having one myself. When I laid Sam down for his nap, I asked him if he would like a guinea pig. He said, "Oh yes, Mommy!" So I told him to think about it and think about being very good and maybe the Easter Bunny would bring a new friend. Then he said, "I'm so excited, Mommy! I'm excited to meet that new friend!"