A typical day at work. Lost someone that made me laugh and see the funny side of things. She would come back from outpatient to see us and every time I would get a hug. Yesterday after the dust was settling, her sister in law told me I was her favorite nurse because we could always make each other laugh. She told me I had given her so much love and comfort. I was her favorite.
I was thinking about this all of the way home. I was thinking about that fire again. I see that people have this fire in them and then it goes out. Then the person is only a shell. I guess my student and my intern got a good lesson yesterday at post mortem care but also on how to be more human. More understanding. More empathetic. We ended the day with a saline flush fight and I think it was just what I needed, to laugh after an emotionally hard day.
When I got home Jim told me my sister stopped by. She said when she moves to Columbus this summer my dad is going with her. I think about it a lot. I cry in the bath tub realizing things about my life for the first time. I was never a priority to my parents. I had myself to rely on. When I had good things I would go to my little ceremonies alone, patting myself on the back. When I would have anything good happen I didn't have people to call that would congratulate me. I was thinking about how lonely of a life I had. I thought about my dad moving away. I have made such an effort, having him go to the zoo, calling him to talk, inviting him over for dinner and I guess in the end it makes no difference. He's going to move away and probably see my kids maybe once a year. It hit me harder than it probably should have with my patient dying and thinking about things, the tears flowed.
I kept thinking, I've never had anyone. I didn't have people to share in my sorrows or joys with me. I just did it all myself. I was thinking about the many times I've been told by other people's counselors that they can't believe how well I've turned out despite my rearing or lack of rearing by my parents. I think about this. I've heard it a lot growing up.
My dad called me fat, dumb, told me I was ugly and had a pug nose, whatever other thing and ignored me. I remember in first grade I colored a picture of cactuses and I wanted to tell him that I learned to spell beyond. He pushed me out of the way and told me he was watching tv. I put the picture in my sister's crib and cried quietly in my room. There were many instances where my dad would yell at me. My dad told me he would say these things to toughen me, because the world is a snide place full of cruel people. I think about these things now and the horrible words that reigned on me. It made me turn inside of myself and never want to reach out to people. I was afraid if the people that were supposed to love me could treat me this way, what would everyone else do.
I went on without people to hug me, without people telling me they loved me.
My mom. I remember one day when I was probably about 4-5 my mom didn't give me a kiss good night. I asked her to come and say good night and she told me she couldn't stand to look at me anymore that day. I laid there, counting the tiles on the ceiling. I just felt lonely. I kissed my hand and touched it to my forehead.
I think about dances at school. My mom wouldn't go with me to get a prom dress so Jim's mom went with me. She bought me a dress and I worked to pay it off. Jim's parents helped me get a car, my second car. I remember being 16 and being home myself for extended periods of time. My brother was in and out of the hospital with bowel problems and my sister was in and out drug rehab and counseling. I got myself up and went to school. I just kept doing everything. I think about in school seeing my guidance counselor and telling her some of this. Of course I didn't get much guidance. It seemed as if every time I would talk about my problems people would brush it off. Maybe I was just making too big of a deal about it. Maybe I was overreacting. There were people with bigger problems than me. I knew that.
And there is so much more. So many more things that scarred me up and never healed.
Fast forward to now.
I think about my dumb life. How horrible people were that were supposed to love me. I would have problems and go to my parents and be brushed off. My dad is leaving. It just hit me that for a family I have no one but my own little family, my husband and children. Jim told me my parents were never there and that's never going to change. I have him and the kids and Heather. I was so worried about having children, that I wouldn't know how to love them enough, be able to tell them enough times how much they mean, how smart they are, how nice they are, how happy they make me. I found that it's not hard. Each day I tell them about 50 times how much I love them and all of the reasons why. The other night, Sam told me I was his entire life, something I've told him so many times. He notices when I'm sad and hugs me. Cooper will be running around and just stop and tell me he loves me. Then he zips away. I feel like I'm doing things right with them. Children are supposed to feel loved.
Even with my mom living here, she is no more, "There," then when I was growing up.
I have never relied on anyone but myself. I don't know what it's like to have a problem and be mad and have someone to call, someone to honestly care.
I don't even really know where this is going. It's just more rambling than anything. I think I just want to get my mom out of my house and get on with my life like I always have. I don't think her problems are my problems and I don't want to take control of her life and give her an allowance each month. I just want to try to make things better for myself.
This picture has nothing to do with anything. When I got my first nice camera, this was a picture I took when I was slicing carrots. Nice.
Right now the kids have capes on the dogs and playing some superhero game. I think I'll play with them.
